Blow me

Sunday, October 16, 2005

My New Blog

I have a new blog. It will be more of a satire site instead of a cringey/sick humor site. Here it is...

http://www.aworldfullofidiots.blogspot.com


Visit it or die.


By the way, I will be shutting this site (frankendick.blogspot.com) down in about a month.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

False Alarm

Sorry to scare you all. I will be able to continue writing. It will be on another site, though. It will still be on blogger, but I'm making a new blog. My parents think I should be published, and they want me to continue writing provided that I: 1) Get rid of this site to "clean" everything up. and 2) Keep my next page at a PG-13/R Rating instead of writing the X-Rated stuff I'm known for. I will still write funny, but I will try to make a point or explain what I think is wrong with the world in my new and improved blog. I can't think of a new name (I've dismissed ideas like "The Skank Page" and "Harlot Publishing"), but I guarantee it will be creative and funny.Anyway, I received a comment from an anonymous guy who thinks I'm whacko. Here it is.

Anonymous said...ZACHI HAVE JUST NOW STUMBLED UPON YOUR PAGE. WOW! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND A FEW THINGS. I READ YOUR CLOSING OF THE BLOG AND AM NOT CONVINCED. THE BIBLE SAYS THAT OUT OF THE ABUNDANCE OF THE HEART THE MOUTH SPEAKS. AND IN READING ALL OF THIS, IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOU HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES AND OUT OF THE ABUNDANCE OF YOUR HEART YOU HAVE SPOKEN. UNFORTUNATLY YOU FAIL TO REALIZE HOW CONTROLLED BY DEMONS YOU ARE OR MAYBE YOU DO REALIZE IT. ANYWAY, YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS DELIVERANCE AND PRAYER AND NOT REALLY EVEN KNOWING YOU, I WILL COMMIT TO DO SUCH THING FOR YOU. I FEEL THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DEFINATELY HAVE A TALENT FOR WRITING AND IT IS A GOD GIVEN TALENT. THE DEVIL HAS JUST PERVERTED IT. BUT THATS OK, FROM WHAT THE LORD HAS TOLD ME ABOUT YOU, YOU BELONG TO HIM AND NOT SATAN. SO YOU WILL BE CHANGED, IT IS ALL A MATTER OF TIME. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, GOD DOES NOT HAVE ANY CANCER IN HEAVEN TO GIVE TO PEOPLE. HE DOES NOT GIVE PEOPLE DISEASES, WE LIVE ON THIS EARTH AND WE ARE SUBJECT TO ALL THE SIN THAT WE ARE SURROUNDED WITH AND INVOLVED IN. BUT WHEN WE HAVE FAITH, GOD IS OUR HEALER. JUST AS HE CAN BE YOURS AS WELL AS YOUR DADS. ZACH, YOU ARE UNIQUELY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. YOU ARE LOVED NOT ONLY BY YOUR PARENTS BUT BY GOD. I PRAY THAT YOU CAN COME TO A POINT IN YOUR LIFE OF TRUE REPENTANCE AND REALIZE THAT SERVING THE LORD IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY ONE HAS EVER TOLD YOU. GOD HAS AN AWESOME PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE, PORN IS NOT A PART OF IT. PERVERSION AND ALL THE OTHER SIN YOU ARE ENTANGLED IN IS ALSO NOT A PART OF IT. I WILL PRAY THAT GOD REVEALS HIMSELF TO YOU IN A WAY THAT ONLY HE CAN, A WAY THAT YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT IT IS HIM. AND I KNOW MY GOD, HE WILL DO IT. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU AND HOPE TO ONE DAY BE ABLE TO MEET YOU IF I EVER COME TO FLORIDA. -some anonymous guy

First of all, I'd like to thank this guy for at least being concerned about me and being aware of my dad's health. That's more than a lot of people who've posted bad comments have said. I may be twisted in some ways, but I still do have a heart.

However, as for anyone who doesn't like my blog, I gotta take a few spiteful jabs at this guy (I won't set him ablaze, like I do to my other victims)

Hey Pastor! First of all, who are you to tell someone that they are posessed by demons or that they have something seriously wrong with them? Doesn't the Bible TELL you not to judge? But I do believe that you're on to something. I found this in my bedroom last night:




Bill O'Reilly! What did you think? A demon? C'mon.

I do believe in God, but you've gotta be evenly balanced. You can't let your religion take you over. I believe that you should guide your kids in some sort of religious way. At least give them certain morals and beliefs. If you don't, they will come out doing the sort of stuff I poke fun of a lot. So with that, I leave you with "Old Ladies on Trampolines."

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Ahhhh, Fuck

Before I begin, I would like to say thanks to everyone who reads this and supports me. It means a lot to me. I started this just to make my friends laugh and it seems that it has come to be an appreciated blog. It means a lot to me.

Well, I took a break from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City to write this. I would like to start off by saying this: HILARY CLINTON, PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF. I hate you hippie Democrats. The world of politics is a lose-lose situation. If you vote democrat, say goodbye to guns and violent games. If you vote Republican, you lose all of your fucking money. Please, Hilary, it's not like us teenage kids are influenced by these games. It's all a myth.

Anyway, I've been trying to re-create my greatest moments on GTA using my dog as the target. So far my greatest re-enactment involved me pretending that my dog was a hooker. I banged her and then drowned the bitch (hahaha it's literally a bitch hahaha OMG PWNT LOLLERSKATES). Damn, I'm gonna miss that dog.

Do you believe in miracles? My Tampa Bay Buccaneers are 2-0 so far this season. How the hell? I thought we sucked. This could only mean one thing: The hand of the almighty Lord himself has touched them. God, if you're reading this, I repent.

So, do you wanna know how my school year is going so far? Me neither. But I'll give you a little bit in my life. I have the most crowded bus in the school. Not just a little uncomfortable, I mean it's more crowded than a slave ship. The bus is supposed to hold 60 to 65 people. (that's the biggest bus they make. Speaking of big buses, I wish I had a bigger bus if you know what I mean) Our bus has easily 90 people on it. There's three people to a seat when there's only supposed to be two to a seat. I remember one incident in particular. A while back, this past Friday to be precise, I had to wake my ass up after a marathon guitar practice session the previous night. I ran out the door to catch the bus just in time. I had to sit next to two fat, ugly chicks. Now I hate fat chicks (or at least the ones that I've met so far), so I'm already thinking "don't say anything stupid." So of course they do. It wasn't just anything stupid, It was one thing in particular that I hate: male strippers. I hate male strippers because I didn't get a job as one. They said they needed somebody that didn't have bony arms and a farmers tan. So, these twats go into great detail about this male stripper. It was excruciating. I even had his taste in my mouth as I walked into my first period class.

I also somehow managed to do great on my progress reports. I only got one "D." Of course I only got one "A," and even that came in weight training class. As long as I dress out and do a couple of 5 pounder curls, I get an A. But nonetheless, I'm still mega proud of myself.

As I said in my previous post, I am going to be a rock star. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I've figured out who my first groupie will be. Check this out http://www.karisweets.com. You like? I do. I can't wait until I get to bang her. Kari, if you're reading this, I love you. I want to be yours ever truly. I wanna make your gardens grow. Yes, from the houses of the holy, we can watch the white doves go. From the door comes Satan's daugh....... Fuck. Had a Zeppelin moment. But I still love you, Kari.

Anyway, among having my evil ways with Kari, I have other goals for my life. Here they are:

1)Get a restraining order.
2)Rob a 7-Eleven.
3)Kill a hooker (It's Grand Theft Auto's fault. Take 'em down, Hilary)

I feel that these are great long term goals.

Anywho, I will end with an essay that I wrote for school. The prompt was "How much money would you need to be happy and what would you spend it on?" I don't have the actual essay, because my mom found it and showed it to my youth pastor. But I just about memorized the damn thing word for word before she got a hold of it. Here it goes:

To be happy, I would need at least 380 trillion dollars. This money would be very useful. I would use it to buy a mansion with a state-of-the-art security system. I would need this security system because my mansion would be in Mexico.

Adjacent to the mansion would be a slightly smaller mansion where I could hide the bodies of family members and women who've rejected me. Along with this mansion, I would buy the Lysol factory so I wouldn't have to worry about the smell.

I would also have Larry the Cable Guy as my personal slave. I would give him everything he needs: a pickup truck and his sister or cousin. However, I would make him hunt for his own food in retribution for how much pain his comedy has caused me. If he is caught taking food from the premises of either of my mansions, (That's right, he can't eat the dead chicks either.) he will be shot on sight.

I would also buy Carmen Electra and Estella Warren as my personal love toys. I would have my evil ways with them whenever I want to. When I'm done, I could probably con them on the pay seeing as neither of them strike me as bright individuals.

Finally, I would do something less selfish seeing as I am a kind person. Along with all the "me things," I would donate a large portion of my money to help feed starving African children. Oh, wait, just kidding.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Just Stopping By

I hope that nobody suspects that I'm dead. Sorry for the lack of updates. I haven't been able to touch a fucking computer for 2 weeks. I was at my mom's house (the computer there has come up more HIV positive than Magic Johnson himself) and I was at Universal Studios until this afternoon. I promise for a kick-ass update next week seeing as I can only make a short one now.

TO JESSICA RABBIT: Looking for a man? I'm all yours baby ;) xoxoxo Call me.



TO LOLALANE: I'll mail you that fudge brownie if you cover shipping costs and the postage stamp.



I'd also like to inform everyone that I'm making a career change (although I haven't even fucking started the first one). I've switched from golf to guitar. I figured out that there was no fucking way that I'd be a pro in golf, so I've switched to the sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll lifestyle. I'm starting a rock band (blues and classic rock rooted) and I'll be playing lead guitar. So far (Besides me, silly goose) I have a bass player and a rythym guitarist. I need a GREAT drummer (I emphasize GREAT) and a lead singer that sounds similar to Robert Plant/Steven Tyler (Preferably a good-looking, long haired guy because the lead singer has to be the guy we market). I've started writing 3 songs so far and I have the band named. However, I can't give any of this information because I'm far too protective of it. I don't want anybody stealing my shit. Anywho, that's all. I'm out.


PS- I'm in deep shit with my youth pastor over an essay I wrote. I'll tell you about it next week.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Replies

My answers in bold because I'm much gooder.



Anonymous Fucktard said...
3 Questions,
1.Where do babies come from?
2.Is there a god?
3.Are you ever going to get a girlfriend and stop jacking off?

1) Hell
2) Yes, he is the one answering this question
3) No, but I hope the roof of your double-wide trailer caves in and collapses on you. Oh, and thanks, Jesse.

AJ said...
Zach,

So straight to the point,how many people have you sucked off to get to the top?Also, what's this rumor about you, fudge brownies, anal sex and cuban cigars?

- Honesty would be your best answer, seriously dude.

I haven't had to suck off anyone, but I have had to sleep with numerous people. People like your mom, your sister, your girlfriend, your mistress, your girlfriend's girlfriend, and so on and so forth.

The rumor has been blown way out of proportion. You see, I like to have anal sex with my girlfriend while stuffing fudge brownies down her mouth. Afterwards, I'll celebrate with a cuban cigar.

mrshife said...

What do chickens think we taste like?

Well, if rats taste like chicken on Survivor, I would have to assume it would be the other way around for chickens.



And BipolarPrincess, thanks for the story. I can only imagine what you've done to those poor piglets through buying this game :)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ask Zach

A quick post just to let everyone know that I'm still alive. But anyway, my birthday is in two weeks and I'd love for somebody to mail me Grand Theft Auto San Andreas or Vice City. It would be much appreciated.

Anyway, I'm trying something new. Ask whatever your hearts desire. I'll reply with a smart-ass remark (Hey, after all, you're asking ME the question). I'll make a new post to answer everyone's questions. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait until next weekend for me to reply to you. I am unable to write on weekdays.


Loathe/hate/despise,


Zach

Saturday, August 13, 2005

School Blows Monkey Cock

Well, somebody wrote this as a comment on my top blog crap-a-ma-bob. Here's what they wrote:

"Too bad you cannot see that the World is a special place. Whatever you see that sucks is unfortunate for you. Wake up again and see if you can smell the roses. Just a suggestion."

Smell the roses? You figure if they're criticizing my writing, they'd have come up with something more origional. Hey pal, why don't you go fuck your mother? Is that a thought? Come up with something new. And stop being such a pussy about what you write. If you think my blog blows, just fucking say it. To you, I hope you have an accident in your yard that causes you to be sterile. So, in other words, I hope your dick gets chopped off by the lawnmower so you can't have any kids who turn out to be as much of a loser as you are, faggot.

So, I'll now move on to shcool and the couple of days before and after it that were actually meaningful. Tuesday I went to get my physical for golf. I ended up in a room that had some sick images. It had an advertisement for an inhaler, a picture of a wrist (trust me, it'll get sick), a poster for prostate exams that had pictures of dicks (told ya it would get sick), and a box full of KY Jelly. I like to believe that wherever you go, if you look hard enough, there is a message for you. So, I took this message to mean something like this: Jerking off (wrist and prostate poster) without lube (KY Jelly) leads to asthma. What the fuck? Jerking off without lube leads to asthma? Ok, so maybe there isn't a message everywhere you go. The physical examination sucked and isn't worth going into (from the doctor's point of view, that is)

Wednesday was the first day of school and my teachers sucked. Well, except for my Geometry teacher (OMG! A junior in geometry! I'm such a loser LOL!). He kinda looks like Johnny Depp if you're blind and lost in thought.

I did, however, make my school year resolution on Wednesday. I vowed that I'd get laid at least 20 times this year. I know that'll never happen, but I'll try. The reason I set the bar so high is so I have some margin of error. If I say that I'll get laid by 20 hot chicks, I'll get laid by at least one hot chick and two fat chicks. If I only set the bar at 10, I'd only get a fat chick and a guy.

Thursday, I got an essay for English. Of course I put a bunch of bullshit. There's no other way to do it. The rest of the day blew.

Friday was cool because I didn't have to go to school the next day. When I got home, I took a huge dump. I seriously considered considered calling the paramedics. I can only imagine how the call would have gone:

911: 911, what's your emergency?
ME: I just took a dump so big that there's a 90 percent chance that my turds are radioactive.
911: We can't do much about that.
ME: I could have a serious problem with my stomach.
911: We'll send an ambulance down to pick you up.
ME: Just kidding, you tool. There's nothing wrong with my stomach. But I'm scared as shit to go anywhere near the bathroom. I highly advise you to send a nuclear physicist to handle this radioactive waste.
911: I'll see what I can do.
ME: Even better, send Sally Struthers to fish the crap out. There's enough shit in this toilet to feed all of the starving African children until they're 35.
911: Sir, I'm going to hang up now.
ME: No problem. I'll flush it down. If it's brown, flush it down! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, if my toilet explodes you know that you owe me a new one, right?
911: (hangs up)


As you can see, it wouldn't have gone very well.

Today, I tried to call the girl I like. She hung up on me. I'll stop pursuing her from now on. I don't want to look like a fucking rapist. If I build a reputation for that, it'll be hard to reach my goal of getting laid 20 times.