50 Things About Guys That Girls Don't Know (Part 1)

I saw this on one of my friends myspace page. It is full of crap. I will prove it. Question (Not really a question, just points) in normal font, my response in bold.

1) Guys hate sluts. Really? Is that true. Not for me. I love easy girls. I need easy girls.
2) "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone. Wrong. Two phrases I use to restrain myself from asking "How big is your cunt?" or "How much tequila will I have to give you before you consider fucking me?"
3) Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. Actually, before I go to bed, I'm jerking it to the hottest piece of tail that I saw that day.
4) Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes. Of course I plan out my phone calls, but not as carefully as I plan out how I'm going to rape and murder the bitch.
5) Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. Smiles aren't erotic enough to make me excited. Show some tits and then I'll think about it.
6) Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him. That's true, including standing outside of your door at three in the morning with a knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels screaming "Cocktease!"
7) Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. Go ahead, talk about him. He's probably better than I am anyway. But when I've cut open his stomach and ripped out his liver, I guarantee you'll think differently.
8) A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to. With the girls that I chase, I guess I'll allow her to talk to her boyfriend too.
9) Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. Nah. Bullshit. I just need to be reassured that I'll be getting laid on the third Tuesday of every month.
10) Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! By talking about my guy friends to me, you've eliminated any chance of me having a boner for the next three months.
11) Guys get jealous easily. Of what? The fact that you turn into a bitch 5 days out of every month and have to go through the pain of bearing my children? Try again, bimbo.
12) Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think. It's true.... sniff sniff. I'm sipping Crystal Light and watching "Days of Our Lives" while I write this... sniff sniff. Get a clue, bitch.
13) Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out. Actually, I'll just think "It's a miracle! The bitch forgot what she was going to say! Now I don't have to sit here for an hour while she reminds me that all I want is sex!"
14) Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. Example: "B...bbbb...baby? D...dddd... I mean... will.... you fuck mmmm..me in a science mmmm.. museum?"
15) Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway. Of course I get hungry, you dumb twats. Yeah, I NEVER get hungry. Do you think about these things before you write them, you impulsive bitch?
16) Girls are guys' weaknesses. Actually, my weakness is Lord Falknawk's Plasma Lazer Beam. It causes my Hit Points to go down 20 percent provided he has two Earth Cards and the coin he flips lands on heads.
17) Guys are very open about themselves. Hahahahaha! Oh my goodness, you haven't got the slightest clue. I don't share shit about myself.
18) It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long. Test a guy? Do I have any holes? Are you trying to see if I'm a manufacturer's defect? How do you test me? Hit me with a hammer and see if I break. And if you wait too long, do I shoot out battery acid because of my rotten batteries?
19) Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. Hey, baby, why not? I'm always thinking about fucking your best friend.
20) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice. I don't tell anyone about my problems, I make fun of them in this blog, shitheads.
21) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. Is this that "You hurt the ones you love" bullshit? I teased this retarded girl that liked me and I didn't feel any affection towards her. Rephrase: A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. That is, unless, you're autistic.
22) Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships. "I love you more" "No, I love you more." "I love you even more" "No I love you more than you'll ever love me...." Please, shut the fuck up.
23) Guys will brag about anything. I have nothing to brag about... wait.... I found a penny..... it's on heads! Hey, you stupid bitch! I found a lucky penny! Put that in your bongpipe and smoke it!
24) Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you. Awww, beautiful. How romantic. Beautiful. See? I used it. I don't think I'm falling for somebody reading my blog right now. MY COCK IS BEAUTIFUL. Bet you don't want me to use the word 'beautiful' now. Unless you like being compared to cocks.
25) Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. I'm thinking right now. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck you're trying to say.