Today's Music Sucks

As many of you are aware, I shall be going back to school soon. I might only be able to post once a week, sometimes less since the computer at my mom's house is HIV positive. With school back, I get to listen to teenagers play their shitty music which they think is cool. I will give some reviews of todays hit songs. I may not get all of them, but I'll damn sure try.

Gwen Stefani-Hollaback Girl: To insult this song would be a waste of my precious time. I should use this time to do something fun and useful, like saw off my balls. Apparrently, this bitch is so proud that she can spell bananas. Yeah, I hope she chokes on a banana while trying to eat it and sing this song at the same time.

Gwen Stefani-Rich Girl: Just awful. Next.

Gwen Stefani-Cool: If your song is featured on this post, it is not cool.

Ciara-Goodies: Ciara, you were born a hermaphrodite. Nobody wants your goodies.

Green Day-American Idiot: Is the opening line to the song "Do you wanna be an American Idiot?" Sorry Green Day, you beat me to it.

Black Eyed Peas-Don't Phunk With My Heart: Why can't you just say "Don't Fuck With My Heart?" What's so difficult about that? PS- That girl singer is ugly and one of your band members looks like Weird Al Yankovich.

Black Eyed Peas-Let's Get It Started: Let's not get it started. I hated this song since I saw it on that stupid fucking NBA Playoffs commercial. The NBA sucks and so do you. PS- That girl is still ugly and that freak still looks like Weird Al. This isn't helping you sell records.

Fall Out Boy-Sugar, We're Going Down: Punk rock sucked enough before they had a song with the word "Sugar" in it. What are you, a pussy? Strangle yourselves with spare guitar strings.

System of a Down-B.Y.O.B.: What the fuck is that stupid guitar part in the beginning? It sounds like potheads attempting to play Van Halen's "Eruption Solo." This doesn't make you a good guitar player. PS- Drop D tuning is for faggots.

50 Cent-Candy Shop: Horrible. All rap is horrible. If you listen to rap, you are a trendy douchebag and you should have your limbs chopped up in a Cuisinart. And to all you rappers: Tupac sucks! I'm glad he's dead. Shoot me now, motherfuckers! What, are you gonna dig up his body, place a gun in his cold hand and prop him up so he can shoot me? Tupac isn't gonna come back and kill me, you dipshits. And 50 Cent, you are one ugly motherfucker.

Akon-Lonely: What the fuck? Why do dumb teenagers have to eat this shit up? Chipmunks on crack. This song is worse than "Hollaback Girl," and that's pretty fucking shitty. I hate American teenagers. You suck. This makes me wish that you could abort a child until he reaches the age of 30. Ultra-super-late term abortion. This is why I hate the Right-Wing Christian movement. Yes, we know about Christians, and yes, we hate you. I think Muslim extremists should bomb Pentacostal Churches instead of business offices and government buildings. So to sum it up: this is the worst song in America right now.

Wheezer-Beverly Hills: You know how I said that "Lonely" was the worst song in America right now? I take that back. I just listened to this monstrosity and it's actually worse. If these songs keep getting shittier, I will take the shoelaces out of my shoes and hang myself with them. It is a two chord song with horrible singing. Two power chords, wow. That's fucking talent. They're not even played that fast so that their guitar player, who must be Corky from "Life Goes On," can get his fucking fingers in the right place to play the next chord.

Carrie Underwood-Inside Your Heaven: This bitch clearly can not sing. I'd still hit that shit, though. She's fucking hot.

Anything by Toby Keith: Country sucks, and this guy is the worst of it. You wanna know how I know this. Just do these two things: 1) Listen to ANY of his songs, and, 2) Look at his fans. His fans have to be the dumbest group of rednecks ever. And of course, he has the generic, overused country voice. Why do all country artists feel the need to sound exactly the same? It seems that whenever somebody tries something different, that's what every other goddamn country artist must do. Fuck country music. I hope somebody bombs the Country Music Awards. They truly deserve it.

U2-Vertigo: U2 is back! I thought they couldn't top how bad they were before, but they managed to prove me wrong once again. Bono, quit acting like you know Spanish. You fucking count in the wrong order. "Once, dos, tres, catorce." If I were to translate that literally, you said one the wrong way, then proceeded to two and three (correctly, thank God), and then said "Fuck all of the other numbers, I'm going straight to fourteen." And of course, the wonderful bridge, in which you say "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Great fucking songwriting, imbeciles.

Ying Yang Twins-Wait (The Whisper Song): Anyone who writes a song that does nothing but talk about screwing a hot chick and how he has a big dick obviously just got done fucking a fattie and has a raw, two-inch penis. YING YANG TWINS! I HAVE SOME ADVICE: THE MORE YOU TALK ABOUT HOW BIG YOUR DICK IS, THE MORE PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU'RE LYING!

Pretty Ricky-Grind With Me: He should be shot solely because the only word he used to describe himself was "pretty." Then he makes a song about getting laid. If you're a man and you're calling yourself pretty, I don't think many girls will fuck you.

T.I.-U Don't Know Me: Why do all rappers feel the need to make a song explaining to the world that we don't know them. What, do I have his number programmed into my cell phone? Let me check.... NO! I'm glad that I don't know you, because after hearing this song, I really don't want to.

Well, that's all. Goodbye now.