I Hate Cute Couples

I am finally able to update. I was writing another one, about why I will never vote, but that is on hold for now. So anyway, back to the subject. How many times have you seen cute, internet couples telling the world how "in love" they are? Far too many times. It usually looks something like this:

BeachBabyAngelGurl729: Ooh, u my boo. I luv u sooo much.
BigDaddy98773648938726284 version 7.721: oooh baby, i luv u too. this shit gonna last 4ever
BeachBabyAngelGurl729: ooh, baby i wish u were here
BigDaddy98773648938726284 version 7.721: ooh, me 2

If you've seen it once, you've seen it far too many times. They always have the most generic, overused screen names too. For cunts (I shall refer to these internet whores as cunts instead of women. They are not worthy of the title "woman.") it's usually something with the words "BeachBabe," "Angel," or "CutiePie" with an "xoxoxoxoxo" thrown in there somewhere. For dickhead losers (once again, they are not worthy of the title "man") it involves something to do with a sport, or it has something "daddy" in it. "PimpDaddy" SugarDaddy" "BigDaddy." Hey, you dipshits, I'll allow you to keep the word "daddy" as long as you put the word "AIDS" in front of it.

The funniest thing about internet couples is the fact they think their relationship is going to last. Maybe on E-Harmony, but E-Harmony is full of ugly chicks. Even the girls on the commercial are ugly. The guys are all just fat losers. If the commercial shows ugly people, the people that are actually on the site are going to be twice as ugly. Every time I see an E-Harmony commercial, I think of Mad TV's "Lowered Expectations," which is one of the very few funny things on Mad TV. But anyway, it seems that the internet couples think they're really in love. Oh, so you met your girlfriend on Myspace, great. You fell in love after receiving 20 bulletins filled with nothing but junk and chain letters. You two must really love each other. So you live in California and she lives in Arkansas? Oh, man, talk about a strong relationship. I bet you're ready to propose to her right now. So you had cyber sex with her three times last night? I bet you wore her out. So answer one question for me. She's really a model AND likes everything you like even though she stated on her page that she hates 90 percent of the hobbies you have listed? Are you sure she isn't a 45 year old obese member of NAMBLA? Ok, I'll believe that she really who she says she is even though her pictures on her Myspace page are stolen from last month's issue of CosmoGirl.

For the cunts, this is what I have to say: So, he only lives 2,500 miles away, huh. Bet that's just a bike ride for you, isn't it you overcommited, naive bitch? So he says he's interested in your personality, not the fact that you've posted pictures that show everything but the nipples? One thing, if he hasn't met you and he's only interested in your personality, he's either still "in the closet" or he's a rapist. For you, I hope it's the latter. You sweet thing. If you don't take your clothes of now I will shoot you. That's right, bitch! It's my way or the wood chipper way! What do you want bitch? Oh, yeah, suck it har....... Sorry, kinda lost myself. She's really fucking hot. I was only interested in the pussy anyway. I was gonna pull a "hit it, then murder it."

I hate cute couples, too. The ones who are really in love. The couples whose marriages will last 50 years. I hope one of the partners are killed in a horrible plane crash, or the woman ends up getting alzheimers, forgets who the husband is causing the man to get so depressed that he kills himself. Why can't I get that? I thought I was in love. She would ask me every day how my dad was and if I needed any help. Sure, she's beautiful, but I fell for her because she was funny and was genuinely concerned with how I was doing. Or at least I thought she was concerned. I would have sold my soul for her until I called her yesterday and her brother answered the phone. I asked for her, and her brother told her that it was me. All of a sudden, I hear her shout "No, no, no!" Her brother then tells me she can't come to the phone, which is bullshit, of course. I heard her yell, so she obviously has no interest in talking to me. I tried to ask her to the movies, but she said she was grounded, which was another lie. She told me she was grounded for another week, yet I tried to call again today and she's out visiting her friends. I was completely crushed. Here I am, my stepmom and dad dealing with cancer, barely making ends meet because they've missed so much work, and then this shit happens. I can't get a goddamn thing. My golf game is horrible, meaning the promise to get on the PGA Tour for my dad isn't likely. Well anyway, I'll stop bitching now.

I now don't believe in God or "true love." That's right, God doesn't exist. If he does, I'll say this: GOD, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! FUCK YOU! YOU GIVE MY PARENTS CANCER, YET USHER IS THE FUCKING HEALTHIEST PERSON ON EARTH? YOU'RE A DICKHEAD!" I hate love and religion. I don't want to become a mysogenist, but now I feel like I am slowly sliding that way. If I get married, this is all I want to hear: "Sorry dinner is late, honey (rubs black eye). No, I don't mind if you fuck my sister." Fuck true love. Cunts suck.

UPDATE: I decided to add my dating rules if anyone is interested.

Rule 1) You're a dumb cunt who is only interested in my money until proven otherwise.
Rule 2) If your screenname features "xoxoxoxoxo" or the words babygurl, beachbaby, hotangel, or luvn4u, I will not date you but I will hang you with the rope I bought at Wal-Mart. Rule 3) If you have siblings that are overprotective or just plain suck, kill them or else I won't date you.
Rule 4) If you don't visit FRANKENDICK.BLOGSPOT.COM, please die in a boating accident. Rule 5) I hate your parents
Rule 6) If you give more than a three minute "autobiography" of yourself on our first date, I better be getting my dick sucked.
Rule 7) If you make comparisons between me and your ex-boyfriend, you will end up in the woodchipper like the last girl that did that.
Rule 8) Under no circumstances are you to call me your "boo." I don't care how sweet you think it is. It is annoying and I hate Usher with a passion. You can call me "limp dick," "shit mouth," or even "faggot," but you can not call me anything with the word "boo" in it; especially if you sing it to me.
Rule 9) Don't send me chain letters trying to win me over. You can send me chain letters, but if you do you're only wasting your time because they will be deleted.
Rule 10) I don't care how hip you are, use whole words when typing me an e-mail. If you write something like "hey baby how u duin, i just be c-in how u is, i luv u n hope u dnt leev me. tc, c u l8r," you will be shot right when I meet you. is dat ok wit u, bbydol?
Rule 11) I'm the funniest guy you know. If you think differently, I'm sure a death threat in the mail will fix that.
Rule 12) I don't care how many celebrities you know. Celebrities suck and I hope they get tortured like that guy in "The Passion of the Christ."
Rule 13) One more thing: fuck you! Have a nice day, bitch!

Love,

Zach