The Superhero Movie! Part 1

As many of you know, I saw Batman Begins on Sunday. I loved the movie. I loved it so much that I was inspired to write my own superhero movie. Well, here goes nothing. (God, this is gonna be bad.)

Gary Miller is an ordinary southern man. He enjoys listening to his Skynyrd CD's, watching football, and receiving yellow discipline from his mom and two sisters. However, his life is about to take a drastic change during these yellow discipline sessions.

It's May 29th, 2008. That morning, Mark McGwire went insane and put, what he thought, was a radioactive toxin into the Alabama water supply. However, his son switched the label on the radioactive toxin with the label on his steroids. It's 9:20 in the morning and Mama Miller is waking up after a long night with her son. She has a little dry throat this morning and decides to grab a glass of (steroid enhanced) water. A few hours later, she decides that it's time to give Gary a little yellow discipline. Unbenounced to him, mama drank a container of rocket fuel; somehow mistaking it for Ron Van Zant's semen. Now her urine is really juiced up. She lets out a big piss right into her son's mouth and he instantly goes from an incestuous redneck to having superhuman abilities. Abilities such as supernatural strength, flight, immunity from all STD's except herpes, and the ability to replay the Tara Reid date rape scene from "Body Shots" in his dreams. (He has no interest in the last power, seing as Tara Reid is in no way related to him.) His mother, on the other hand, dies a day later. She was suffering from malaria and a bad case of an ingrown toenail. Her body couldn't take the steroids and rocket fuel. Angered by his mother's death, Gary must now hunt down Mark McGwire.

Enter Waxen Meicoochen, a German prostitute from New Zealand currently suffering from Syphilis. She, unlike other hookers, pays guys to fuck her because her brain is so fried from the syphilis that she now has the IQ of a mosquito. She finds out about Gary after the news reports that he saved two children from a burning whorehouse. She immediately falls in love with him (which is odd, seeing as she only has the brain capacity to drool and shit her pants) as he is attracted to her because she reminds him of a distant cousin. With that thought in mind, he makes sweet love to her that night and she only wets the bed twice. Needing to find Mark McGwire, he leaves her before she wakes up. (Which isn't hard, seeing that she is so weak from the Syphilis that she is only awake for 15 hours out of the week.)

So, Gary gets into his Confederatemobile, which gives him directions to McGwire's house. The directions are provided by OnStar. When he arrives at Mark McGwire's house, he comes into find an unpleasant surprise: Mark has taken Waxen captive. Mark shows that he isn't afraid to kill her by killing Barry Bonds and stealing his steroids (Bonds' steroids, that is.) right in front of him. Mark then hits a baseball with a picture of Gary's younger sister stapled to it. Because Mark hasn't had steroids in over two weeks, the ball only travels 65 feet. But because Gary has to jerk off to the picture, McGwire has enough time to steal a car and lock Waxen up in the ladie's restroom at the WalMart SuperCenter. Gary must save her. But wait, the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert is tonight. That itself presents another problem: The steroids have started to kick in. If Gary wears his tight, rebel pants to the concert, he'll look like a total douche because of the "shrinkage." "What'll I do?" thought Gary. "All I know is I gotta find a boom box, a CD with the song 'Freebird' on it, a six-pack of Bud, and an enlargement pump. Fast"

TO BE CONTINUED!